13 Comments

Breaking-up: when it’s time to say no

So you’ve found the person you’ve been wishing for your whole life. You’ve even decided you’re going to marry him or her in the future, and then it happens: your love says the most disrespectful remark to you that you’ve ever heard in your life. Could this be part of a simple lovers quarrel? Possibly, but don’t ignore it. This might be a sign that what you have is not a “match made in heaven.” I’d like to take some time with this post to explain when it’s best to say “NO” to the relationship that you’re in.

Compatibility

While at my internship, an A-list celebrity break up our radio’s airwaves. My boss replied that it can be super hard to be objective when you’re in love. But, the one thing I’ve found to be true is that compatible couples usually last longer. In order to find out how well you really mesh with someone, you must start with making an honest effort to figure out if each of your values is alike. The Bible says it best in Amos 3:3 “How can two walk together unless they agree?” So if you’re an Eco-friendly girl who’s green at heart, and your boo is notorious for littering, you two might want to reevaluate why you’re attracted to each other.

Respect

With all the fine ladies and young studs on Kent State’s campus, it’s not hard to fall for somebody’s looks or boyish charm. But, have you stopped to think about if you respect can a person’s character? It’s a good idea to ask yourself questions like, “Is this person someone I can depend on or can I trust them?” Respect also is reflected by how someone treats your boundaries. If it seems they are always pressuring you to do things you don’t want to, like having sex or lending large sums money, then your significant other doesn’t respect you. It may be time to find a healthier relationship.

Being able to say no, and standing behind your convictions, is the most important part of any relationship. It reminds each party in a relationship, that as individuals you have wants and needs. No matter what situation you’re in, when God puts it on your heart to say goodbye to a romantic relationship don’t ignore Him. Even though it can be hard, God has your best interest at heart and often times some of the friends; relatives and even lovers in your life cannot go where He has predestined for you to be.

Have something to add to this discussion? Don’t be shy, input is appreciated as this post is a chance for students to learn, grow and express themselves.

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13 comments on “Breaking-up: when it’s time to say no

  1. This is a very interesting topic. In my opinion, if you love someone and wish to someday marry them, respect should be a priority, for me, it’s among the top five, in order of importance. Taking a closer look at any relationship is always needed and should be encouraged. Healthy interaction and sharing is reciprocal in nature, therefore, if one party is giving more in the relationship, (love, respect, thoughtfulness ect)… then the whole relationship is out of balance. Given enough time, anything out of balance will eventually tumble and “break-up.” Furthermore, The Lord will never give you someone who will not respect you, your convictions, or your boundaries. Anyone wanting to take their relationship to the next level should ASK themselves why. What do I really want out of this? Being honest with self is the 1st step in obtaining any true happiness. BTW, the rule of thumb for respect or any action is. How would you feel if the thing you are about to do or have done, your “love” does it to you in the same manner? Ponder that for a second. If you cringe and say to yourself, oh, I wouldn’t like that, then you probably should think twice about it before proceeding. Having standards of moral correctness is crucial when searching for Mr. or Mrs. Right, not Mr. or Mrs. Right Now. [Webster defines respect- as showing consideration or appreciation for] These are my thoughts on the subject. Thanks for your blog post. 🙂

    • I appreciate your comment, and for elaborating on the topic. I posted this to get some people’s focus from the “cloudiness” of being in love, to figuring out what they realistically want in life; and how a relationship is going either enhance or take away from it. Thanks again.

  2. Love this blog. This is so true. Most people stay in relationships that they know aren’t healthy because of fear of being alone..I’ve learned to let go of relationships that I felt weren’t healthy and felt like weren’t positive. No matter how bad some1 upsets up, once ur spouse or any1 ur in a relationship with disrespects u or calls u names, its time to go..no relationship is perfect but u know when ur with some1 that won’t last or anythn to offer..

    • Camelia, you are defintely right. Whenever you’re dealing with people, you have to set boundaries. I think that sets the tone of what a relationship will be like. And certainly if the person is not offering anything positive to your life than you should tell them that they have wrong one. 🙂

  3. I had a really horrible relationship a few years back, and even though my family keeps telling me to ‘put it behind me,’ I don’t really want to. I don’t want to relive it, and I don’t really have any fond memories, but if I ‘put it behind me’ how will I remember the lessons I learned, and how will I be able to share those lessons with anyone else? What good is a bad experience if you can’t help someone else to not go through what you went through?
    I learned that a relationship doesn’t have to be physically violent to be abusive. Emotional abuse goes hand in hand with disrespect, and it can be hard to identify when you’re just getting to college and you haven’t had many serious relationships. It also often starts out very slowly. No guy will tell you you’re fat or stupid on a first date because he would never get a second date with anyone. Instead, he’ll slowly pick you apart until you realize 2 or 3 years later that you have no self-esteem left.
    I also learned that trying to tell someone that they’re relationship is no good for them will never work. It’s something a person has to realize on their own, and if you tell someone that they should end their relationship they will often do the exact opposite, and cling to the toxic person even tighter.
    Some big red flags to look out for? If someone tries to isolate you from your friends and/or family, pressures you to do something you don’t want to do, mooches off of you, or tells lies, run from that person as fast as your little legs can take you!

    • Amen, your comment solidifies what I’m saying. I also had a relationship that wise counsel suggested that I shouldn’t have been in, but I stayed in it anyway. I learned a whole lot of hard lessons from it, including how to work through broken trust, knowing my worth, and knowing what I really want out of a spouse. But, like you said we have to be able to teach others with our experiences, which is the goal of this blog. Thanks!

  4. I really enjoyed reading this blog entry and I agree with what you had to say. I am glad you wrote about the importance of healthy relationships, I feel that more people need to read this and consider these things when it comes to their relationships. I am in a new-ish relationship-almost 4 months and I think it was a good idea for me to read this entry to get a sense of negative versus positive relationships. I particularly liked how you referenced God and the Bible. Recently I have noticed so many people my age (21) getting married and then getting a divorced not long after. This saddens me to see young people rushing into something that is supposed to be special and for the rest of your life. I wish these people would think about their compatibility before they rush into something as important as marriage. Thank you for your blog entry!

  5. I really enjoyed your post. I agree with all of your points! As a student in JMC at Kent State, I definitely can relate to your point on branding. Also, I could connect with all of the issues with relationships, which I’m sure every college student could as well. I really enjoyed reading how you connected two worlds and made them focus on God. I think everything happens for a reason and God has a plan for everyone.

  6. This was a great entry. I really feel that it is true about being impartial about a topic/subject when in a relationship with someone you really care about. You may look at other peoples relationships and say I would never do that or allow that but until you are in the situation you never know how you are going to react to something that is normally a deal breaker. I’ve been one of those people to say those things and when it came down to it, breaking things off was harder than I had originally anticipated. I feel respect should be a main priority in a relationship! I really appreciate your thoughts.

  7. Rachael and Sadie, thank you both. I’m glad you liked the post on how people can brand and market themselves in courtship. Sadie, I’m glad I could give you some food for thought. Everyone has a different idea of what love is, but I think they also know what is not.

  8. I really enjoyed reading your post and believe that more people need to evaluate their relationships and decide whether or not that relationship will make it. I personally find it extremely difficult to spot red flags, especially if I have very strong feelings for a person. Even if my friends and family tell me if a guy is wrong for me based on some of his behavior or how he treats me. I truly believe that people are blinded by love so it makes it difficult to spot those red flags even if they are right in front of your face. My last relationship ended a year ago and I thought I was in love. None of my friends or family cared for him at all. There were so many warning signs but I didn’t see them. Part of me did not want to see them because he made me happy. After a year of ups and downs he did something unforgivable, he cheated on me with half a dozen women. I was so extremely hurt and when I told my family and friends what he had done, they were not surprised. They told me all the signs were there and that they tried to tell me he was no good. There is a fine line between love and hate and once that line is crossed there is no going back. Looking back on the relationship and what my friends and family were telling me, I felt so incredibly stupid for not seeing it. So I invested my time and emotions to someone who was not worthy of me. I have learned that it is important to listen to the opinion of others, especially from the people who love and care about you and only have your best interest at heart. It is inevitable that people are going to go through heartbreak in relationships, but that is not always a bad thing. You have to learn from your experiences to make you more aware and to make you spot those red flags for yourself in future relationships. Love is not all about fate, you can’t just sit back and let everything fall into place. If you have a visual of how you want to be loved and treated and if there are warning signs, consider them, evaluate them, and act on them. This is all about intuition as well. Always go with your gut instinct. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. Thank you for your post!

  9. Hi Issac,
    I completely agree with your opinion about the timing of breaking up. I think it is very important to understand the bottom line of oneself and make decisions without simply trying to compromise and make things look peaceful. Sometimes I think people in a relationship should think of the relationship as business- what you gain and what you lose in the relationship, compared to what you are willing to gain what you are willing to lose. Don’t just hold onto the relationships just for holding onto the relationship. But personally, I understand how difficult it is to be able to say no. Relationships are not built simply on ration, but very much on emotion, and even just getting used to be with that specific one. I think most people would understand and agree with your point, but it would still be a completely different story when they really face the tough situation.

  10. This post really interested me Isaac because while right now I’m in a happy relationship, about 9 months ago I ended a three year relationship with the person I was convinced I would marry at one time. You really do have to know when to just stop and evaluate where you are in life and where you’re going together. It was one of the most difficult decisions I ever made but looking back on it I know I didn’t do it on a whim. We fell in love or some form of love when we were freshmen in college. I knew no one in Kent and meeting someone that was there for me all the time was exactly what I needed. I would say we were compatible for about that first year and things went well, but over time that changed because we got older. I was entering my Senior year on the Dean’s List and ready to graduate and he was changing his major for the 6th time and had terrible grades. I’m not saying bad grades or taking a while to graduate is always a problem but when you’re trying to plan a future with someone it tells you a lot about them. This makes me wonder how couples get married at 18 or 19 or even right after college. I feel like you’re still growing as a person in those times and while it’s great to be in a relationship then, you need to be objective about what you want to do and not let someone who isn’t following your path hold you back.

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